


alone.

by turningpoet



Category: no tags - Fandom
Genre: Fiction, Other, noir
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26912881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turningpoet/pseuds/turningpoet
Summary: who else is there to turn to when you have no one but yourself?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	alone.

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: all elements on this story is fiction. similar events, names, and places are only coincidences. this story was written to fulfil the assignment of my creative writing course (writing a noir fiction), thus i brought up this theme to criticize how the actual situation is in the society, i have no mean to harm or disrespect the real religious authority. thank you.

this has got to be the longest car-ride in my entire life. the rain pouring outside, the blaring thunders, and the piercing shrill of wild boars from far away filled the small space of our suv. I did not know why I was surprised, it was only normal to be raining for we were in bogor, on our way to ciguha village. it was almost midnight, we were supposed to reach our new house two hours earlier but everything got delayed, it is as if something were telling me it would be best to stay in town, but that was just my feelings, and i never told anyone about how i feel out loud.

"are you cold?" my mom asked me and i only nodded.

"want me to turn off the air conditioner?" she asked one more time and i nodded again.

i caught a glimpse of my parents exchanging looks from the rearview mirror before my dad said to me, "we'll be there soon, please don't worry. i'm just thankful that there weren't any traffics here, even though the road is rocky but that makes you feel like riding a rollercoaster, right jo?" then i caught another glimpse of my father's smile.

i smiled back, not at him nor my mother, not at anyone. "yeah, i'm fine. don't worry."

my parents always worry if I didn’t talk much or if i didn’t put on any facial expression, they were afraid that i might be pissed at them or at anything, really. i couldn’t say it's my fault that i made them worry by hiding my feelings from them, it's because whenever i say something they never actually listened and not even one of my shenanigans ever made them realize what i truly want from them.

.

it has been two weeks since we moved to ciguha village, and a week from the start of my first day at new school.

people in the village are much nicer than in the big city? well, that is a bullshit. on the first day of school, i've already got rumors of me sleeping around with older men and that whenever i got in trouble i always solve it with my face and my body. first day of school and I was already the head slut, that's an achievement right? I haven’t gotten along with anybody in the school. I missed my friends in Jakarta and I couldn’t even phone them because the receiver was so bad at night.

the situation in the house with my parents were not very good either, my father struggled to get a job, my mother had a hard time mingling with the neighbors because all they see is that we're different people. i didn’t get why they do that, but then again people always do confusing things. so after school and on each dinners, i kept my default smile, nod, and shrug.

.

the first time my family sat together longer than 30 minutes on the dining table was on saturday night of the third week in our new home. it was raining again and my father said something i thought he would never said.

"i've been thinking.. how about we all go to church tomorrow?" he asked after the last sip of his water.

i had to halt my chewing although i did not know where to look.

my mom nodded at the suggestion, as abrupt as she put down her spoon. "i think that is a good idea."

"why?" i asked, it just came out like that.

"you see, jordinna.. your mother and i have been struggling to be accepted as an adult citizens in this village. i think going to church might help us get a pointer or at least something to ease our souls."

"but you told me the last time you went to church was when you were 19?" i continued in a mumble, "and i've never been to one."

"baby, maybe that's what went wrong with our family, you see." my mom grabbed my hand. "our family haven't been the most religious in the past, and we're starting a new page, right? i think it's best to try your father's suggestion."

i looked at my mother and then at my father, i couldn't bear to put out the flame of hope in their eyes so i nodded. "okay, i guess we can try."

"that's my girl.. and if we don’t like it, we can always stop going there."

.

we did not stop coming after the first one. the church was called God's Salvation Ark, i didn't like it one bit when i first stepped into that place. i found something super eerie about the congregation and the staffs, even down to the way its reverend is telling the sermon and the atmosphere itself. something eerie that i could not put a finger onto. it wasn't like the people aren't nice, they were very nice. with huge smiles all teeth, twinkling eyes, helping hands, and too-friendly touches here and there.

"ah, i see we have new family member here?" said the reverend after our first meeting in the church. he was saying that directly to my father, but i did not miss his sharp glances at me.

"yes, of course.. if you already consider us as a family member then." said my father as he shook the reverend's hand. "i'm raharja kallis.” my father then proceeded to introduce me and mother. "this is my wife, rina. and this is my daughter, jordinna. we just moved from Jakarta recently. it’s a great pleasure to be personally meeting you, rev. budiyanto."

my mother only smiled and nodded at him, and i followed her gesture, rev budiyanto scanned my parents from head to toe as he held his chin, he was nodding his head as if we were seeking for his approval or that he was allowed to decide whether we were worthy or not. “I see, you must have a lot of fortune coming from such big city like Jakarta, mr. kallis.” said rev budiyanto and then he put his hand on my shoulder and he squeezed it while saying, "you also have a very pretty daughter."

i froze at the comment and at the touch, not that kind of freeze where you feel a butterfly in your stomach, but the kind that feels like a punch in the gut, where you feel like you want to puke. the reverend was an old man, with his hair and eyebrows all gray, the lines on his forehead tells that he has lived more than a half century. and the look in his eyes, the twitch at each ends of his mouth when he smiled especially at me, it made me feel unsafe. the whole place made me feel unsafe.

.

my family and i started going to the church routinely, at first it was only once a week on saturday’s morning service, then we started going on sunday too, and then now we started going to the church every day. it is as if my parents have lost the initial motive of going to the church; getting pointers on how to rebuild our life in this village, and to achieve inner-peace. it is almost like my parents have already devoted their life to the church only.

about inner-peace though, my parents seemed to be getting a lot of that. there is something so persuasive about how the reverend, whom later addressed himself and is addressed by the whole church family as spiritual father, delivered his sermons. as much as his words is persuasive and the majority of the congregation, including my parents found it very calming, I found it the otherwise.

“dad, don’t you think it’s weird for rev budiyanto to claim himself as the god’s absolute messenger? actual reverend does not do that, right?” I asked to my father on one sunday afternoon, after the service, our family stayed behind with some other congregations that, as far as I’ve observed never left this place, to help clean up.

“no, baby. rev. budiyanto is our spiritual father and he is the god’s absolute messenger by a miracle. he doesn’t just claim it.” answered my father.

“your father is right, jordinna. he really is the messenger and our spiritual father.”

“but it’s weird, I don’t like this church. you said we could stop coming.”

“you just don’t understand it because you’re still young, but our life has gone better after we started coming here, right?” my father smiled at my mother then he looked at me.

my mom only smiled back and nodded, and now both of them are looking at me again. with those same expectant look in their eyes that I had no guts to reject their suggestion of coming to church back then, so I just sat there and stayed quiet.

not even my parents would listen to me, let alone the other congregations who’ve been here longer. even at a place with this big of a crowd, even at a sacred place like this church, I didn’t feel the god’s presence, I only felt alone.

.

the spiritual father gave us a sermon about taking the salvation ark on the day of the doom, in order for us to be able to reach heaven safely, we have to take that ark. however, the salvation ark does not come with a cheap price, my father had to give his land certificate where we have built our new house with the last money my father had after his bankruptcy to the spiritual father as a sacrifice; to leave the materialistic things behind, only then will you be able to get on the salvation ark and go to heaven.

so we started living in the building just behind the main church, and spend the rest of our days just praying, praying and praying. we no longer had a house, my father no longer had any will to find a job, my mom did not care about her social status anymore, and I no longer went to school.

yet my father said our life is getting better.

.

one day the spiritual father grabbed me by the shoulder again, and he told my parents that I haven’t been praying that hard lately and that my faith has been shaken. it is true, I have no faith at all and I am not trying to see this place the way other people see. my father was furious of me, saying that I should not be acting like that, for the spiritual father and his loyal apostles have been very kind to us, I didn’t agree with him so I talked back.

“I haven’t been praying and keeping my faith because this place is fake. everyone in here is being taken as a refugee, don’t you think this man and his stupid followers are taking your freedom? we weren’t even living as we used to be, dad..”

my father slapped my face, and my mother only witnessed it with a slight gasp escaping her mouth, but she didn’t exactly say anything. “don’t you dare to speak to me like that again, about this holy place and our spiritual father.”

my ears were ringing so I didn’t hear what my father said clearly, I jolted at the sudden touch in my cheek and I felt my stomach churned again after knowing that it was the spiritual father who touched me.

“don’t be so harsh to your daughter, mr. kallis. it happens everytime in here with younger folks, jordinna just have to pray harder. me and apostle wijaya will take her to the private praying room so she can focus and reflect on her sins.”

another man grabbed my arm. he was apostle wijaya, he was much younger than the spiritual father and only a few years younger than my dad. he had piercing eyes and a scar across his left cheek, he had the same look in his eyes, the look that made me feel unsafe.

I was grabbed by the two of them to a small room far outside of the big building, between the bushes. I was put in there and when I thought all I needed to do was sit alone in the dark, they came inside the room with me.

“jordinna, you do know that you’re not allowed to speak so disrespectfully of me, don’t you?” said the spiritual father as he grabbed my cheek, forcing an eye contact with me. “especially after everything I’ve done and gave to your family, just like what your father said.”

my heart was beating so fast, I gritted my teeth through each words. “what do you want? let me go.”

“you need to be given a lesson so that pretty mouth of yours won’t say something bad again, especially about me.”

the spiritual father smirked at me and he started undressing me, i was trembling and in the middle of all that I still tried to escape, I tried to scream for help but my crying wasn’t heard for i was far in the middle of the woods, and apostle wijaya was holding my body and covering my mouth.

I ran out of energy, I couldn’t save myself and so the two of them took turn of my body.

.

after i was raped, they took me back inside the building and to my parents.

"here's your daughter, mr. kallis. she's as clean as a new sheet now, all of her sins has been cleansed thanks to our spiritual father." said apostle wijaya, he smiled to my father so with his trustworthy smile and of course, my father was fooled too.

"thank you so much, spiritual father, apostle wijaya. i am once again sorry for her sins.." he thanked these two nasty men, and even bowed at them.

"no problem, mr. kallis. it is only my duty as god's one true messenger to spread salvation and peace to our kinds."

my father smile only grew foolishly wider, he didn't even bat an eye at how messy i looked, how i was trembling from head to toe and how puffy my eyes looked from crying so much.

.

later at night, i came to my mother and i told her what happened to me this afternoon. she cried hearing my story, but she was shaking her head as if she couldn't believe what came out of my mouth. she was hitting her own chest with a desperate look vividly drawn on her face.

after a moment of me just quietly observing my mother, she reached out her hand and held mine, i still flinched at a sudden touch.

"jordinna, listen." she took a deep breath. "i know you don't like this place, but you didn't have to go at that length of making up a disgusting story. this place makes me happy, especially your father, he looks so happy to belong here."

upon hearing the words my mom just said, mine was just completely caught up in my throat, i felt the tears swelling at the rim of my eyes.

"but i wasn't making up any story." my words only managed to came out as a small squeak.

At first I used to try to believe in this place, the way other people believed that the God this place made up is actually real, and that the reverend was an actual messenger. I was almost fooled, but now I wasn’t so sure if it was better to be fooled or to be the only one who is sane between all these others insane, empty souls. I wasn’t sure of what was right or wrong, I wasn’t sure who am I anymore, I wasn’t sure who my family is anymore. I wasn’t sure which one was true or fake.

my mother proceeded to say something but i couldn't hear it, my hearing fell into a constant loud ringing. louder than after my father slapped me, i lost focus of my sight but i didn't faint, i was just there, existing and feeling alone.

.

after what happened to me, with the nasty men who ran this place and with my parents who have completely been blinded and brainwashed by their doctrines, I’ve decided that i will no longer suffer in this place. I figured I would’ve gone insane as well if I stayed here any longer, even if it wouldn’t be because I was brainwashed, in the end this absolute loneliness and emptiness would drive me crazy. I’ve decided to bring everyone with me; I’ve decided to save them all.

this morning, i acted like nothing happened and I’ve been acting that way my whole life.

"good morning, jordinna. i heard you got your soul and sins exclusively cleaned by the spiritual father yesterday, it must've feel good being a brand new person, right?" one of the congregation greeted me on my way to the morning service, she was a middle aged woman around 30 years old and she even told me that she would like to receive the "redemption" i received yesterday.

i only smiled and nodded at her, hiding the sickness in my stomach and ran along to the main hall before i acted out my plan.

i sneaked out after the spiritual father recited his fiery sermon, as he lead the fiery ritual of prayers (where everybody screamed god's name in pain while hitting their own chest, stomach and arm with their eyes closed). i went to the back of the building, one of the rooms had so many curtains hanged up on its aisle, i stepped up to the stage and approached the hem of the curtain. after i made sure i was alone, i poured kerosene over its fabrics, i also had made sure that it was enough to burn down a whole building. i took a deep breath and lighted up my match, i watched the small fire danced around for a bit before me then i threw it to the kerosene drenched curtains as i walked away.

i sneaked back in without no one noticing me as well, everyone was still doing the fiery ritual prayers including my parents who sat next to me. i only needed to wait a little before i saw a flash of orange dancing in the air behind the spiritual father, he was the first one to caught on fire. after that, the smell of kerosene and the smoke quickly filled in the room, everyone had no time to escape. some of them even stayed willingly because the spiritual father has gone into the fire as well.

my mom tried to pull me out, to escape from the building but i stayed in my seat. she was crying but i was no longer able to recognize which tears it was.

i saw the fire approaching closer to where i sat so i closed my eyes, the screaming and the blaring sirens of the firemen's vehicle were instantly blocked from my ears. then my hearing fell into the same rang i heard yesterday, but this one sounded merrier so i smiled.

i did it. i brought everyone along with me. i wasn't alone anymore.


End file.
